Hello new year

It's been awhile (cue Staind). The last two weeks for me, like most Americans, has been a whirlwind of business. As we ease into writing "08" on deposit slips instead of the totally out of fashion "07," I thought it prudent to take a moment and reflect on the last two weeks.

I survived Christmas - barely. Most people use this type of over dramatization to characterize a slew of activities they consider "busy." Unless you work retail, you cannot conceive what a busy season really means. Stretches of work that last 12 hours in 12 day consecutive chunks with 30 second interactions with someone whose entire Christmas hinges on having some As Seen on TV product (some push-up bar was the hot item of the season with the always popular Ove Glove coming a close second) creating ridiculous amounts of misplaced tension are what people refer to when they say the commercialization of Christmas has gone too far. Blame retailers all you want, fine people, but when you point the finger, just remember four more are pointing right back at you.

The low point may have come yesterday, seemingly safe from the Christmas rush. An elderly lady asked me if we had any more Christmas tree disposal bags. My brilliant post-Christmas reconstruction side panel of this item has sold out two days ago, and sadly I had no more to offer this woman. She responded, "There are a lot of fast people in this store. You...you are slow and useless."

For whatever reason, this kind-hearted comment triggered a recollection of having seen one last Christmas tree removal bag that was sitting in the back room waiting to be disposed of because the packaging was so damaged that it was unsellable. Figuring that this nice woman needed the product so badly she was willing to insult the best gray smock wearing assistant manager Golden Valley has ever seen, I brought it to the front where I caught her just moments before checking out.

The customer was completely baffled as to why she would want THAT. Whatever, fine, I left. The lady, a regular, proceeded to tell my front cashier that we have too many fat people working this store and she doesn't like it.

If there's two things I'm not, it's slow and fat. Devastating on my self-esteem.

Anyway, enough of Walgreens, let's talk about the goodies of Christmas. One of the reasons you have suffered through my absence is the writer's strike. While not directly a part of the guild or union or whatever the hell is on strike, I figure that as a writer for Wolfden V, I deserve better compensation. As such, I hope to reap the benefits of the new deal between writers and producers, which by my calculations should occur sometime in 2101. But if Letterman can return, so can I. Inspired by his beard, I type for you this fine Thursday morn.

I do so on a nice new laptop. With my electronics death touch having worn down my previous laptop (only one of two mouse buttons worked, only one of two USB ports worked and that if jiggled in just the precise manner, the "n" button was repeatedly falling off, the internal fan worked overtime if I so much as thought about watching an on-line video, and this is to say nothing of the complete hard drive crash a few months back), I simply needed a replacement. I have it and it uses Windows Vista. The learning curve has been sharp at times, overrated at others. It only took a week to open Microsoft Word, which is nothing really. (XP! Where are you??).

The family visited for Christmas which was fantastic. My parents came in from California and my sister from Dallas. Since I worked every day they were here except for one, I took to starting work at 4am so at get out at a decent hour. I love them all dearly, but for my poor worn down body, it's nice to get back on a regular schedule. While here, though, we did have the opportunity to take in the Minnesota Science Museum, which on any other day would warrant its own post. However, now a week later the best recollection I have is of that awesome tornado thingy on the first floor. Cool, you know.

Unknown to me until about a week before it occurred, the University of Phoenix offers its students a two week break from classes during the Christmas season. The last task we were asked to complete for MBA 530 prior to our respite was to write a week four recap, touching on topics and ideas we learned, liked, or otherwise summarizing the material in the last seven days. Mine, for point of reference, touched on themes of leadership, strategic implementation, budgeting techniques, and communication. On the other hand, some students used it for free-for-all:

"I to am going to leave my summary now. It has been a crazy week trying to get all of my work done which I have not yet completed. My wifes dad is in the hospital in Oklahoma with heart failure so having to make a trip up there soon so she can see him. So I am hoping that I am able to complete my assignment at some point before monday night. The material is pretty much the same that it has been the first three weeks for this class just different scenario with the same company. I have found the UOP likes to be repetitive with the material that is used. Anyhow hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Years."

Stunning.

I would wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year, but I seem to have missed that boat. Plus, it would be unoriginal and forgotten about in mere moments. Instead, I wish you all a delicious lunch and as an attractive of a haircut as the one I am about to receive.

Photo from Amazon.com and a movie that had a fun cover.

Let There Be Light!

December 22nd! For six months I wait for this blasted day, and finally it has arrived.

For every June 21st, I move into a depressed state, becoming increasingly despondent and all around grumpy. The death march is on and it lasts for half a year.

But alas, things are bright and shiny this fine day! For today is the Winter Solstice! No, it's not a holiday worthy of its own cards, but nonetheless it is a terrific milestone.

Up here in Minnesota, our sunlight is incredibly scarce these winter months. In fact, my estimations have the sun now rising at noon and setting by 12:45pm. In short, it's awful. You go to work in the dark, you drive home in the dark, and you sleep in the dark. Ok, that last one is alright, but the other two are depressing.

Today marks a fresh start. Today the sun rays last a little longer, and my depressions vanishes away one minute a day (or whatever the heck it is). Before long, we'll resemble a normal city with average amounts of sunlight. The victory parade is on!

Photo from parowangap.org

It's Over

Sadly, it's over. The race that was over before it ever really began.

And this is why I stick to picking fantasy sports superstars rather than presidential candidates.

P.S. With the cancellation of the campaign, I will not be sending out Tornado Tom Tancredo T-shirts as previously promised. Please, try - I beg you try - to go about your lives today.

Photo from Clarkpresents.blogspot

Welcome Christmas card readers!

With the recent mailing out of the Wolf Christmas card, I expect a few new readers to Wolfden V. I managed to talk my way into a cheap plug in the last line of this year's letter, which should expose this humble blog to at least four new people. And to you, I say welcome.

Allow me to give you a little tour of the site. No doubt you are overwhelmed by the tremendous amount of information and good humor present. I wish to introduce you to the topics covered and the overall composition of Wolfden V that make it a leading blog for readers who know me, have free time, and click over once a week or so.

You'll notice a familiar trend with the posts in which I start with a picture that sets the tone for the rest of the piece. In this case, I selected a comical photo of a little girl sitting on the lap of Santa Claus. In the past, this photo has included ESPN anchor Stuart Scott, Chicago Cubs' pitcher Carlos Zambrano, and photos everyone wishes were splashed across the front page of CNN.com of themselves.

The text of my pieces tend to vary. I enjoy writing about news stories such as the never ending Don Imus scandal, Regis Philbin's heart surgery recovery, Shia LaBeouf trashing a Chicago Walgreens, and Pope Benedict issuing the 10 Commandments of Driving.

Other times I relate personal stories such as inconsiderate neighbors, Minnesota booger pickers, my inability to change a tire, and interactions with local area businesses.

Long time readers know that my favorite topic to write about is my beloved game show The Price Is Right. I have taught readers tricks on how to win. I have also attempted a few blow-by-blow accounts such as when I did a live blogging of one of Bob Barker's last shows and a live blogging of Drew Carey's first ever Price Is Right programs.

What would a personalized blog be without political commentary? I have offered equal time to key candidates investigating an Independent Party dark horse, aviation adverse Democratic Presidential hopefuls, and the next President of The United States of America.

The most common topic, though, is the saga of the worst car ever constructed: my Saturn. I have outlined my car's crumminess on several occasions, namely here, here, here, and here.

Occasionally I touch on serious topics like Chris Benoit's murder-suicide and the I-35W bridge collapse.

On the right side of the blog, you'll find some of my particular favorite websites. They are a hodgepodge of friends' blogs, sports news, and satirical web sites. All of them are worth a click, but if I had to pick one, I'd pick the one I wrote a guest piece for. Cheap plug!

I used to post 5 days a week taking the weekend off, but as I have had my free time eaten up by my return to school, posts are now less frequent. I try to get 1 or 2 in a week, but I'm fairly inconsistent. This forum is one I use at my leisure for normally sarcastic commentary on whatever is on my mind. I hope that you'll stop by often and offer comments as you are moved.

$aturn Update

Last week, I took my much maligned vehicle into the shop for what I completely expected to be another expensive oil change. Stunned, I was in and out in under 30 minutes, and a bill under $25.00. I did not report on this good fortune here at Wolfden V because I knew it was too good to be true. And yes, it was.

Just one week after said oil change, I was whipping around town when the dreaded and incredibly vague "service engine soon" light flickered on. Desperately hoping it would go away, I ignored it for 2 days but alas it still mocked me. Today, on one of those not at all helpful midweek days off I get for working retail, I returned the car to the shop.

My EGR valve was in need of replacement and a Wynn Fuel Induction Power Pack also was required to fix the problem. The Power Pack, in addition to making my car run better, also helps me to fight crime. So that's something.

Grand Total: $588.95.

Tacking this onto the $2o or so bucks of the oil change from last week, and we do have another plus $600 visit to the car shop. $aturn! $aturn! $aturn!

Photo from 2carpros.com

Things to collect: stamps, baseball cards, coins...and toothpick holders?

Walgreens, Walgreens, Walgreens. We attract such a diverse group of people, and spending a tremendous amount of time in the store during the holiday rush, I run into a great many of them. One individual stood out this past week, introducing me to an entirely new world of collectibles.

I was rushing around the store this past Saturday when a little old lady cornered me with coupon in hand. The scene was no different than what I interact with a hundred times a week. The woman wanted to know where these holiday toothpick holders were that were featured on page 18 for the unbelievable price of 39 cents. Unfortunately, the rest of Golden Valley had already jumped on this incredible deal, leaving us out and the woman out of luck.

The customer was incredibly disappointed. Seeing the disproportionate amount of weight people place on odd items, I cannot say that I was altogether surprised. But there was something about this woman that moved me to go a little extra for her. I offered to call a neighboring store to see if they still had any of these elusive toothpick holders. She perked up and eagerly jumped at my suggestion.

Having never used or even seen a toothpick holder used before, I was doing the mental gymnastics trying to wrap my head around this situation where a little old lady wanted a Santa Claus toothpick holder so badly she would be willing to travel for it, which given her current state, was going to be of some effort.

Perhaps sensing my confusion over the fuss for this item, she began explaining its value to her. She collected toothpick holders. I was amazed that there was even such an item, let alone people who collected them. I, in other words, said as much to the lady. She replied with a very serious tone that she was a member of the National Toothpick Collectors Society. I was befuddled.

Upon returning home, I looked up the National Toothpick Holder Collectors Society (NTHCS) and sure enough, there is a group of people that do in fact collect toothpick holders. Their website reveals that they have been in existence since 1973 boasting 700 members. They even have a national convention:

The 32nd Annual Convention will be held in Chattanooga, TN on August 15 - 19, 2007. Convention events include educational seminars, an all-toothpicks auction, local attractions, an ID Clinic, competitive displays prepared by members, and we will enjoy a dinner cruise aboard the Southern Belle.

I am curious as to what educational seminars entail, as a toothpick holder strikes me as a fairly straight forward device. An ID Clinic? If nothing else, I'm sure the dinner cruise was something.

Not just anyone can join the NHTCS, though. They have a dues system with admission to the elite club priced at $20 for an individual or $25 for a couple. The payment does entitle you to 10 issues of their newsletter, which probably contain pictures of my dear Walgreens' customer. Admission to the club does open up the locked portion of the website labeled NTCHS Members Only. Why do hackers waste their time with Microsoft? Someone get into this link and let us know what's going on behind closed doors with this secret society.

Photo from All Things Ukranian

Tom Tancredo for President!

I am late, but nonetheless here I am. I have jumped aboard the Tom Tancredo for President bandwagon! Seriously, I have.

So who is this fine fellow? How have I suddenly thrown my not-at-all meaningful endorsement his way? Read on.

My father who rarely sends e-mail forwards my way because he knows my general disdain for them, decided that there was one worth my time. WQAD, the Quad Cities' trusted news source, has thrown together a little election quiz in which the test taker answers a series of questions from your personal stance on Iraq, abortion, immigration, and taxes among others. You also weigh your opinion on the particular category as "not important" to "very important." Once done, the quiz matches you with the Presidential candidate that best matches your views.

I most closely matched Cookie Monster, world famous blue muppet. Echoing his stance on cookie consumption and googly eyes, it only made sense that I'd vote for this Sesame Street staple.

Ok, so it didn't point me in that direction. Rather, it said I most closely resemble the political stance of the venerable Tom Tancredo. Never heard of Tom? Neither had I. Here's the skinny on the next President of Your United States.

Excerpts from his "about me" section on his website:

Tom Tancredo is a lifelong conservative with nearly a decade of experience in the U.S. Congress.

Tom's resume matches approximately half of the US House of Representatives at this point.

The Washington Post calls him a “firebrand” on illegal immigration.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or something that should involve additional extinguishers around the house.

David Yepsen, Dean of Iowa’s political correspondents, writes in the Daily Register that Tancredo is “onto something…

Damn right! My candidate is "onto something." And that's from the venerable David Yepsen. I once roomed with a guy named Yep, but not Yepsen. I wonder if he likes war movies and Ronald Regan?

The website lists opportunities to meet Tom Tancredo, something I would advise everyone to do. The next (and only) opportunity according to the calendar is November 30, 2007:

Tom will attend a house party at the home of Al and Susan Fulchino 178 Pine Hill Rd., Hollis, NH

So while other candidates are wasting time at these CNN YouTube debates, Tom Tancredo enjoyed Mrs. Susan Fulchino's beef brisket last Friday night at a quiet card party. Hey, I like euchre, no wonder this guy is the candidate for me.

Perhaps the most important link here was your opportunity to broadcast your support of this political tornado: Tom Tancredo (I'm trademarking "Tornado Tom Tancredo" and expect all proceeds to come my way). I've ordered 23 of the following t-shirts for all my family and friends this year as my Christmas present. Get them while they are hot.


Photos from MSNBC and TeamTancredo.org