Zack Morris for President

As is my morning ritual, I awoke to CNN's Robin and Company newscast. I'm not entirely sure why I watch it as, outside of the weather guy, everyone is terrible. I suppose I watch it because the local newscast is inexplicably worse, but I digress.

The first story irritated me right off the bat, which is good in that it wakes me up but bad because, well, it irritates me. Their lead story let us know that Hillary Clinton has already broken records in raising 33 million dollars in 3 months and that John Edwards has amassed 14 million for the respective Presidential campaigns. This is not a commentary about either one of those two candidates but rather a frustrating rant that the process sucks. Call me a purist but I find it crappy that you have to be rich to be in charge of a democracy. Furthermore, I know that the unending campaign commercials and future coverage of these campaigns that this money will fuel is far less noble an expense than putting some of that money towards, say, anything that these candidates stand for such as education or defense or whatever.

So after Robin rubbed me the wrong way, she led into a story about the British sailors being held hostage. Scratch that, President Bush called them hostages which has England crazy saying they aren't hostages. But really they are because they are there against their will, but no one wants to use a word that might rub someone the wrong way.

Seriously? Word usage? The leaders of the world are arguing over their use of the vernacular? Cripes, I thought my job of keeping plastic Easter eggs well stocked was a fairly unimportant task.

Ok, enough of this Robin and Company stuff, let's flip over to the now started Today Show. Matt Lauer as some political/world affair analyst discussing these captive British sailors.

Lauer: "So if Iran wanted to show itself as being a reasonable nation - one willing to deal in diplomacy and not violence then Iran would have already let them go?"

Analyst: "Correct. But they don't work like that. They want something. And they are assholes."

Ok, so I added that last line, but it would have been truthful and more interesting.

That's it, no more national news. I'm acting like a 70 year old watching programming, which I have to believe is a direct product from spending 45+ hours a week with this segment of the population. I know I'm getting old when my answer to most every international issue is "bomb the crap out of them." Time to get back my youth. I'm flipping to TBS.

Some months ago I made a critical discovery. TBS airs two full hours of the classic Save By the Bell program each weekday morning. On days when the news is so frustrating or repetitive, I flip to Zack Morris and the gang to take me through my morning. There's no arguing over word usage or campaign treasure chests. No, this is a world where Zack manages to lose and regain the girl in 22 minutes time. The man led a high school life that included (but is not limited to) being a key member of the basketball team and glee club, founding a rock band, and discovering oil on school property. This morning, he happened to find himself at a beach resort during which time he managed to find a way to wrestle a way the resort owner's daughter from a wealthy Boston frat boy. Oh yes, Zack did this while waiting tables and reconciling the girl and her father. The man is fantastic.

If Zack Morris ran the country, we would all be better off. He is charismatic, charming and a go-getter. In under half an hour, he could solve any critical issue and still have time to woo Kelly Kapowski. Most of all, we'd have a happy ending every time. There would be no hostage crisis. There would be no wasted funds. No, we'd have a 24-7 beach party where everyone is good at volleyball and the biggest issue at hand was Mr. Tuttle's pop quiz.