Friday, June 22, 2007

The Pope drives 55 and so should you

I love being a Catholic. We get great things like Mary, crucifixes, and good works that are all stellar foundations for our faith. But when it comes to Catholicism you have to think of the Pope. And driving.

Perhaps inspired by a Pope Mobile incident a few days ago where some wacko decided to jump over a barricade, the Vatican has decided to rework one of the greatest pillars in the history of religion. No longer will the faithful have images of a bearded and sandaled man carrying down two tablets of God's law when they think of The Ten Commandments. Rather, we all can reflect on them while we are cruising down the interstate, for the papacy has issued the Ten Commandments of Driving.

1. You shall not kill.

Rising up four spots from last Ten Commandments, "you shall not kill" is the big mover of the millennium capturing the top spot.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

If I had a dime for every driver I saw out there seeking to do mortal harm, I'd be a rich man.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

Perhaps an asterisk denoting "uprightness" of the middle finger is not the meaning here in commandment #3.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

"Need" here is used loosely which seemingly includes everything from a 9-1-1 call to a gentle beeping of the horn to remind grandma to accelerate once the light turns green.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

No need for confession here. The crapmobile Saturn I drive boasts neither power or domination.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

If you ever wondered how a Catholic higher up would eloquently write "don't drink and drive," you are now satisfied.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

Continuation: Because if you do not, you will be obligated to support the families through spiraling lawsuits that will drain your savings.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

I have never been in an accident, but the first time I do, I will ask the other party when they would care to undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness as our cars are being towed away.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

Clearly, this references ducks having sex on Highway 65.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

Much like JR's top ten lists over at The Trampoline Bear, I feel as if they threw in the towel here on the finale. This one is vague and would comfortably fit into any list from responsible driving to brain surgery to playing putt putt.

Photo from


JR said...

"5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin."

Missed in your incredibly awesome analysis (not to mention plug of the Greatest Blog), is that the Pope (do I capitalize that word?) found a way to sneak in "don't have sex in a car" somewhere on the radar.

He prefers that you fornicate elsewhere, sinners.

Also, I am hopeful the Vatican releases a new Ten Commandments every week. Next week: The Ten Commandments of The Office (thou shalt not impersonate Dwight Schrute) followed by The Ten Commandments of Using A Computer (thou shalt not use the World Wide Interweb for bearing witness to unsavory and unchaste images). Also, The Ten Commandments of Using a Public Restroom (thou shalt stare straight ahead at the urinal).

The possibilities are endless. Also, I love your blog.

Jan said...

Loved your analysis. Maybe the Vatican could use you to freelance. Sure makes the ambiguity easier to understand.

JR has good taste. I love your blog also!