To the delight, or perhaps chagrin, of my wife we are halfway through the baseball season. The numbers, the pennant races, the season ending Ken Griffey Junior injury watch continue to heat up. I love it.
As we soar into this second half of the greatest season on Earth, I wanted to throw out some crazy predictions and wild analysis. This way, when one of these 394 statements come true I can tout my impeccable baseball knowledge as pure genius.
1.) The Milwaukee Brewers will win the NL Central by double digits.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The NL Central is that bad, and the Brewers are that, well, not bad.
2.) The Cleveland Indians will not win the AL Central.
It pains me. It hurts me. I am physically ill. But, they will bow to the Detroit Tigers.
3.) The Cleveland Indians will win the World Series.
I feel better now. I hold out hope. Strike that, I know they will win.
4.) Alex Rodriguez will become an Angel.
After obvious predictions in numbers 1, 2, and 3, I feel I need to get a little wild. Let's move A-Rod out West where he desires a fresh start from the horrible NY media who make him think he's not the best player in baseball.
5.) Joe Morgan will not be fired.
It's a little known secret that ESPN knows how bad Joe Morgan is. However, it delights the higher ups to read the witty banter on firejoemorgan.com, and as such, continue to give him a platform to embarrass himself.
6.) The Los Angeles Dodgers will represent the National League in the World Series.
Perhaps I'm nostalgic after my visit to Dodger Stadium earlier this season or perhaps I just love a guy named Loney. Either way, I'm going Cleveland-Los Angeles for all the marbles.
7.) J.J. Putz will win the Cy Young.
Speaking of guys I love, I have no greater baseball crush than my discovered talent from many years ago, J.J. Putz. Only Joe Borowski (worth the click), the worst closer in baseball, has more saves than Putz in the AL. Once Putz goes on his second half tear, faded first halves from Dan Haren and Josh Beckett will fade to distant memories while Putz takes the title.
8.) Johan Santana will finish second in voting, and more importantly have clean teeth.
Johan is phenomenal second half pitcher and the avid Walgreens shopper will no doubt give Putz a run for his money.
9.) Torii Hunter will become a Milwaukee Brewer.
Rabid Milwaukee fans, well at least one of them, will be clamoring for the Brewers to make a big move to show they are serious for the postseason. The Twins will provide in the form of free-agent-to-be Hunter, who will then roam the center field of Miller Park while winking in the direction of the press box.
10.) Barry Bonds will match Hank Aaron's home run record at 755, and then a noble display unlike anything he's ever done before, retires before actually breaking the sacred mark.
It could happen. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.
11.) Furthering the theme of baseball justice, Ozzie Guillen (see above) will lead the White Sox to the worst record in baseball.
With just 5 more wins than Tampa Bay, Chicago's record is pretty bad. Plus, it's not that unreasonable, considering Chicago is bound to begin selling off talent sooner rather than later.
394.) Ken Griffey Junior will be shut down August 12th.
The date is later than my previous guesses (April 29, 2005...January 2, 2006), but I figure it gives him a few games before disappointing Cincy fans who will be recently mourning the loss of Adam Dunn for a few unnamed prospects who will never see the major leagues.
Photo from MVN