Wednesday, July 4, 2007

The Fourth and Fireworks

Ah, the fourth of July. The middle ground of summer for many Americans who believe that warmest season of the year begins on Memorial Day and ends on Labor Day. It's a time to recall the sacrifices made during the Revolutionary War time frame when men such as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson invariably shaped the course of history, founding this mighty nation. It's also a fabulous movie starring the ultra-hip Will Smith punching out bad guy aliens and Bill Pullman whipping around on jets in a way George W could never imagine. Or, it's another night at Walgreens, but this time featuring double pay (woo!).

Typing "4th of July" into Google - festively decorated with a soaring eagle and red, white, and blue letters, by the way - brings up a host of sites, one of which is US City Link, that promises to be your website host of all things Independence Day. With links to President Bush's 4th of July address, the text of Star-Spangled Banner, a virtual tour of the U.S. Senate (riveting!!), and even festive Independence Day masks:

If only I had prepared better, I would have worn that at work tonight.

The 4th is also synonymous with fireworks, as no other day on the calendar year demands the spectacle of lights quite like this one. Leave it to Americans to be dazzled by sparkly things. Be that as it may, US City Link enlisted to services of Jeffrey G. Strauss, M.D from Straus Eye Center Prevent Blindness America (a noble cause we at Wolfden V support) to come up with a fireworks safety quiz. Lucky for us test takers, the true/false format makes the test passable without much studying.

So, before you blast off your fingers this evening, perhaps reviewing some of the questions and answers might save you that late night pharmacy run in which you find the guy in a grey smock who answers "Aisle 12 C" in response to your hurried inquiry as to where burn products are located.

1. Fireworks injuries can only occur during the Fourth of July

Clearly the answer here is false. Grueling question to get us started. Do you feel safer yet?

2. Sparklers are safe fireworks and can be given to children

Absolutely this one is true. Giving toddlers something shiny and dangerous is a recipe for a memorable summer's night.

3. Only people who are careless or unsupervised are injured from fireworks

False. Their relatives, by virtue of flawed DNA, are also likely to be injured.

4. Males are more likely to get hurt from fireworks

Definitely false. As the superior race, it is mathematically and physically impossible for men, especially intoxicated ones, to harm themselves or others.

5. Bottle rockets are not dangerous because they're just firecrackers tied to a stick

True. It is also encouraged that you tie this stick to Fido and watch the fun ensue.

6. Homemade fireworks are safer than store bought fireworks

False. Walgreens is the Pharmacy America Trusts, and a well respected retailer who will be more than happy to meet your explosion needs this fine evening.


6 correct: You are more patriotic than George Washington!
5 correct: Signer of the Declaration of Independence.
4 correct: Fort Ticonderoga stands no chance against you!
3 correct: Revolutionary War rank and file soldier. Just bring a blanket at Valley Forge.
2 correct: Better stay inside and watch Mel Gibson's "The Patriot" tonight.
1 correct: Hey, look! Something flashy and sparkly in the distance!
0 correct: You are most likely already missing a digit.

Photos from Digi-Hound and Beautiful Masks


JR said...

Fireworks puzzle me more than any other American phenomenon. People come out in scores and leagues and legions to see them. They transcend social ladder, political affiliation, religious group, age, race, and degrees of naked. They are truly astounding in their draw, and people are willing to sacrifice their ENTIRE DAY to get that key spot along the lakefront, armed only with a blanket, cooler and some bug spray.

Why, I ask. Why? Because they're pretty and loud? The same could be said for lightning and thunder, but people are terrified of that combo, even though statistically speaking the danger is far less than it would be for fireworks. Because they're a symbol of patriotism? I felt like if that were a true American endearment that more people would watch CSPAN and be in tune with world events. Because they awe us in their immensity? How come people don't come out in droves for a sunset then?

I will never understand.

lonewolf said...

I take it you scored poorly on the quiz, then.