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The VUPD never stop protecting

It's no secret that I enjoy reading Valpo's student newspaper. The fun mix of questionable journalism coupled with biased writing and my fondness for the University that repeats the same stupid mistakes time after time after time make for an incredibly entertaining venture. Sometimes, though, the VUPD Beat provides the laughs. Here is my favorite one sentence at a time.

1.) Officers responded to the VUCA in reference to a male subject being disruptive.

So far so good. Nothing out of the ordinary. Your typical theater kid inciting violence.

2.) It was reported that the subject was performing magic tricks and talking about politics.

A deadly, deadly combination. What is in the big black hat? Poof! Mitt Romney!

3.) The non-campus subject was escorted out of the building.

The admissions office breathes a collective sigh of relief that they are not responsible for this individual.

4.) His father was located and took custody of him and his bike.

The perpetrator is revealed to be a six-year old child who bought a novelty magic set and was practicing reciting the fifty U.S. Presidents for kindergarten class. His papa picked him up and spanked him.

5.) He was given a trespass warning.

Don't bring dat in my house!

Photo from MagicBob2000.com

Saturn owners unite!

The University of Kentucky is similar to Valpo in that basketball is king. There are other sports that take place, but really, they are filler for what happens in between Midnight Madness/Mayhem/Moonlighting/Misery and March Madness.

Well, it ends up that Kentucky might be good at one of those other sports and actually won a big football game. As tends to happen when this type of thing occurs, fires and riots ensued. Wait, this time just fires. Anyway, starts off that some co-eds decided to burn a couch, which while fun was considerably less fun than burning two couches. Duh.

Anyway, the furniture burn off spread and began engulfing a car parked not far away. The car was a Saturn. The owner returned and offered what unquestionably would have been my sentiments:

"If we had lost, I might be more upset," he said at the sight. "But it was a piece of junk anyway."



Photos from here and here

The new season of The Price Is Right

With tremendous excitement, I announce the new season of the Price Is Right. Change is upon us all as my beloved Bob Barker has moved on to greener pastures while Drew Carey is the new host. As if I could let this historic event pass without a live blogging. As if!

Oooh, jazzier theme, a new pastel color scheme, and fun camera angles.

Thomas Plow is the first name of this season. Congratulations, Thomas. You are the first contestant on the Price is Right!

New host Drew Carey emerges to a raucous crowd, some of whom are chanting "Drew! Drew! Drew!" I receive the same ovation upon walking into work every day.

Prize: Scuba Equipment
Contestant 1 1800 (2114! Winner)
Contestant 2 650
Contestant 3 1200
Contestant 4 1300

The winner, Bernard, becomes so excited about his game in which he has a chance to win a new jeep that he runs over a hugs it before he's won it. Bernard plays the money game and, listening to his wife's advice, emerges victorious. He again races over to the jeep and hugs the model. His wife is understandably less thrilled about the groping than the jeep.

Prize: Side-by-side refrigerator and freezer
Contestant 1 2000 (Winner! 2098!)
Contestant 2 2500
Contestant 3 25200, 2560
Contestant 4 2650

No, contestant 3 is not a typo. She originally bid "twenty-five two hundred." Bob Barker came out of the crowd to punch her in the face. She lost.

Winner Peggy is going to play Cliffhanger, which Peggy has annoyingly renamed "Yodel Man." Whatever. The prize is a trip to Bali. I'd throw the game, but Peggy seems excited about the trip. Peggy thought some utensils were $25 and not $20. Good start, nonetheless. Hand held Sudoku Game, she nails at $30 putting her in great shape heading into the final prize. She likewise guesses a phone as being $40. Peggy is off to Bali. Better her than me.

Prize: Exercise Bike - The JR model
Contestant 1 850
Contestant 2 800
Contestant 3 850 (the person two ahead of her bid 850), 895 (same genius as before with 25200, yet she wins with the prize worth 1000)
Contestant 4 700

The winner is Dora, or her name sounds like Dora. I can't read her name tag because her hair is too long, which in turn has deprived her brain of oxygen. Dora loves Drew and hugs him excessively before going into a failed hand spring in which she nearly broke her ankle. Dora will play In the Bag. Great game where retail shopping can result in $16,000. Her second selection (an easy step) is booed incessantly by the audience who are now coming to realize Dora is dumb. The audience saves her on two occasions when Drew allows her to change her original selections. The audience is responsible for Dora winning $16,000, and she collapses to the ground in an unnecessary display of drama. Perhaps it's apparent I do not care for Dumb Dora.

-Peggy spins: $1.00 on first try. $1,000! Yay Peggy!
-Dumb Dora spins 70 cents and 55 cents. Mercifully, she is eliminated.
-Bernard is unable to spin the wheel all the way around. He is a large, strong man and this is embarrassing. His second spin sucks, too, and a trap door swallows him up.
-Peggy's bonus spin nets her no extra money, but smiles for everyone.

Prize: Dinette Set
Contestant 1 999
Contestant 2 1100 (1,199! Winner!)
Contestant 3 1350
Contestant 4 1450

The winner is Thomas who will play Easy As 1, 2, 3. The game is in fact easy as the title describes. Thomas places three wooden blocks in front of three products in order from cheapest to most extensive. After prancing around the stage looking for audience approval, Thomas does in fact win.

Prize: BBQ Grill
Contestant 1 1250 (1500 Winner!
Contestant 2 1850
Contestant 3 1000
Contestant 4 1245 (Great bid, moron. Way to give yourself 5 numbers)

This contestant is a sorority girl proudly displaying her Greek letters. She has an opportunity to win a new car playing the One Away game. The audience is booing, and the audience has done well so far. Things look bad for sorority girl. In fact, she only has 2 of the 5 numbers correct upon first try. The audience applauds her second try. Things look good for sorority girl. She wins the car. Fantastic audience today.

Prize Hammock
Contestant 1 795 (Winner of some incredibly pricey hammocks, $811)
Contestant 2 1000
Contestant 3 1200
Contestant 4 1

Gregory is your winner and he's playing Barker's Bargain Bar. Ah, I remember Bob. What a guy. Anyway, Gregory must pick which of two prices features a more reduced price. Gregory takes his 50-50 shot and comes away with a computer and a wine cabinet, wrapping up a perfect show in which every contestant won their game.

Drew mentions an interesting fact in that this is the 77th perfect show in Price Is Right history. That'll probably be worthwhile information in the course of my day.

-Thomas spins 50 cents and then 20 for a grand total of 70 cents.
-Gregory says hi to Lindsay in the audience and finds himself with 95 cents.
-Sorority girl is smiling and happy. She gets a 35 and a 65 to win her a thousands dollars.
-Sorority girl falls into Drew after her weak spin, and she wins nothing.

Showcase Showdown
-Sorority Girl passes the first set of prizes.
-Peggy bids $15,000 on a bedroom set and a wave runner. (Actual price: $20,543, Difference 5543. Loser.)
-Sorority Girl bids $25,000 on a huge HD TV, a hot tub, a travel trailer (Actual price: $27,275, Difference of $2,275. Winner! Hugs and smiling and waving and prize touring ensue!)

Thoughts on Drew's first go round: I thought he did alright. When you do something for the first time that someone else has done for 200 years, it's going to be different and an adjustment. He regularly referred to the announcer by his whole name as well as addressing each of the models in a Deal or No Deal-esque manner. He did seem rushed at parts and getting excited at weird times, but for a first time, it was acceptable. In 200 years, he might even be as good as Bob Barker.

Photo from AccessHollywood

Who needs the letter "A"?

So my professor recently returned my group's thirty page paper. While we do receive a number grade, I received a new method of evaluation. We received 17 smiley faces in 30 pages, which translates to a 96%.

This :) thing is getting out of control.

Now everyone else coming to the realization that Oral Roberts is a bad, bad place

The Giant High Five is creating trouble again. Highlights form the lead story at CNN.com this morning!

"Information about possible improper use of university funds by the Roberts family came from a computer belonging to Roberts' sister-in-law, who loaned it to a student, according to the lawsuit."

Whoops! Because in my college experience frequently required the usage of a laptop from President Harre's in-law.

"The Roberts defended themselves against the suit's allegations, including one accusation that the family used a university jet to send one of their daughters and her friends on a trip to the Bahamas."

Forget the Bahamas jaunt, a university jet? Which would be used for what? Rushing back and forth to classes? Baby races?

"Richard Roberts said his daughter and her friends accompanied him on a preaching trip to Florida and the Bahamas, aimed at recruiting students to ORU.

'I had to pay the university back for that,' he told CNN, adding that the jet is not owned by the university; it is leased."

Oh, I'm sorry, it's the University's leased jet. That clears up that little boo-boo. And of course, after a little loan from tuition payers, I'll just pay back the funds used on that Disneyworld recruitment venture. That is since you are inquiring about it now and all.

In response to an accusation that the university was charged for 11 home renovation projects over 14 years, the couple said the walls and floors of their home had to be removed because of black mold.

Clearly a sign of the apocalypse. And bad water sealant.

The suit also alleges that, according to university-paid cell phone bills, text messages were sent early in the morning from Lindsay Roberts' phone to underage males who had been provided phones at university expense.

Lindsay Roberts said she routinely allows her daughters and their friends to use her cell phone, and it was likely the messages were from them to other youths.

Richard Roberts said the couple mentors youths with drug and alcohol problems and sometimes has contact with them at odd hours.

And we've just entered a whole new ballgame. Between "likely" in the second paragraph and "odd hours" in the third, this situations screams of inappropriateness.

Lindsay Roberts' Lexus SUV and Mercedes Benz convertible were provided for the university's use by donors, who also pay the insurance costs.

Can I interest you in a Saturn, Mrs. Roberts?

Victory

Satisfaction. The Indians' extra inning victory Friday night may have been my favorite moment in the series, but last night's was the most satisfying. Not that I saw it, but still satisfying. I watched most of the game, including the Yankees whittling away the big lead. When it became 6-3, and we entered the 8th inning, my body shut down from the big day and my mind feared Joe Borowski crushing my spirit.

As has been the case all year long, Cleveland built up a big lead, Borowski pitched poorly, and in spite of him, Cleveland wins with everyone forgetting how absolutely awful Joe is because The Tribe won anyway. It's actually the statistic that no one has mentioned but is the one most responsible for Cleveland's series win. Out of 38 innings played, Borowski pitched just 1 of them. Not too bad.

I did fall asleep before the end of the game, and I leapt up in the morning to catch Sportscenter. The segment on? "Torre's Legacy." Figuring this was a good sign, but still wanting confirmation, I logged onto espn.com - the site that ran with the lead story of Paul Byrd (not CC Sabathia on short rest) starting is equivalent to the Yankees guaranteed to win the series - which also featured a big picture of Torre. In fact, the Diamonbacks received as much face time on the home page as does Cleveland. C'mon, we haven't won a World Series in 60 some years. Could we at least acknowledge the victory? Finally, I found the link to the game recap - no special section such as the 48 dedicated to New York's loss - and blissfully read the summary. Oh, and did I mention that Joe Torre still is not fired and still is the manager of the Yankees? Now he may be toast when I get home, but couldn't the "Torre's dead, here are syrupy sweet video montages" wait until the day he actually does leave New York.

Jump on the bandwagon folks, it's time for the ALCS.

Photo from WHDH

And there goes the retirement fund

Not an overly good day for Walgreens' stock. Usually looking at a chart showing a company's value, it may go up and down a bit, but I can't ever remember seeing a straight line drop like that. I'm sure once Wall Street realizes I worked seven days in a row the numbers will come back, and I can go back to thinking happy thoughts about the old portfolio.

Graphic from USA Today