It's no secret that I enjoy reading Valpo's student newspaper. The fun mix of questionable journalism coupled with biased writing and my fondness for the University that repeats the same stupid mistakes time after time after time make for an incredibly entertaining venture. Sometimes, though, the VUPD Beat provides the laughs. Here is my favorite one sentence at a time.
1.) Officers responded to the VUCA in reference to a male subject being disruptive.
So far so good. Nothing out of the ordinary. Your typical theater kid inciting violence.
2.) It was reported that the subject was performing magic tricks and talking about politics.
A deadly, deadly combination. What is in the big black hat? Poof! Mitt Romney!
3.) The non-campus subject was escorted out of the building.
The admissions office breathes a collective sigh of relief that they are not responsible for this individual.
4.) His father was located and took custody of him and his bike.
The perpetrator is revealed to be a six-year old child who bought a novelty magic set and was practicing reciting the fifty U.S. Presidents for kindergarten class. His papa picked him up and spanked him.
5.) He was given a trespass warning.
Don't bring dat in my house!
Photo from MagicBob2000.com