This Man Is The #1 Show in America

Kelly Clarkson? Carrie Underwood? Chris Daughtry? These are not the people that have made American Idol the ridiculous phenomenon that it is. They've helped, but they are not the reason.

The reason is Simon Cowell. The man is marvelous. For all the hoopla given this show, he does get his fair share of credit, but I think he probably should get even more. There's ample opportunity for him to get pushed to the side with two other judges, an ever present host, and loads of singing talent, but he pushes back. Every week he pushes back and pushes his opinion into our homes.

Always trying to bring down what's on top, critics have cried out that judges are too mean and point the finger at Cowell. To that I say,"Boo freaking hoo." Those who appear on the show know exactly what they are getting into. If you inexplicably have never seen the show, you are bound to figure it out by the time you sit in an arena with 20,000 other people looking to audition. Contestants know exactly the situation and the consequences for a lackluster performance and are willing to take that risk in an attempt to reach the masses. It's a fair trade and one where both sides benefit. Any cries otherwise are misplaced.

For all the flak that Paula Abdul gets for her frequently stoned and odd rants, she serves a purpose. That being to make Simon look even better than he would otherwise. You could put a tube of toothpaste next to Paula Abdul, and it would look brilliant (as well as minty fresh). Juxtapose Abdul with Cowell and Simon looks that much profound. It's not unlike high school where you actually need those jocks and their 15's on the ACT if for no other reason to keep pushing you into a higher and higher percentile.

But it's not as if Cowell needs Abdul to be the star, it merely helps. The one liners are marvelous. After a contestant used "it was dedicated to my dying grandmother who suffers every day from an intestinal parasite bring immense pain except for when I'm singing" as an excuse for a crappy song Cowell quipped, "Can we take this back to a singing show for one second? I know. I know. I love grandmas."

The contestant dragged on the feel good vibe by then wishing his father a happy birthday. Cowell, fed up with this crap, replied,"By the way it's my mum's birthday in November. Happy birthday mum in six months time. What? Just thought I'd mention it. Let's all dedicate something." After everyone jumped on him for being insensitive, he slyly countered, "I like puppies."

Clearly an exchange such as that cannot be accurately captured in writing. The quick witted, camera savvy Cowell though succeeds in making you stay tuned to what will come out of his mouth next. Whether it be one of his unique analogies for poor performance or fending off one of Ryan Seacrest's overly plentiful jabs, the man has a unique, entertaining answer.

And it's the these answers that keep America tuned in while the singers are developing their trade. Nobody knew or cared about Fantasia Barrino a few years ago. Cowell kept people entertained while America persevered through sub par performances and stage presence development, all the while learning and caring about her story. And it's not Fantasia specific. Insert any successful Idol star and the time line is the same. Over the course of the TV season, the audience develops its favorites and sometimes appreciates the talent displayed (sons of bitches missed the boat last season), but it's Simon Cowell who is the steady presence that keeps it interesting while the new stars are born.

Is This Interesting to People?

There's a news story making the rounds about former oldest man on the planet Strom Thurmond and Mr. Inject Yourself into Situations You Don't Belong Al Sharpton. Ends up that there may be a link between the two where Thurmond's relatives may have owned Sharpton's. My biggest question here is, does anyone really care? Does it matter? Just wondering your thoughts 'cause I think it's fairly clear I could care less.

Things Missed

So while my trip to the Cayman Islands was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful experience, it does have its drawbacks. While the cable feed to Erie, Pennsylvania assured me some connection to the outside world, I can't say that I made it a point to sit down and watch the evening newscast. I did wonder, albeit for about 12 seconds, what was taking place in the rest of the world. What if something catastrophic like a terrorist attack occurred? It could be days before I knew about it.

Or what if Keith Foulke retired?

What's that? It did happen? Fantastic! Long live the Cleveland Indians 2007 season!

Regardless, how could I possibly exist without knowing about these huge events as they happened. Exist I did. With a beverage in one hand and my wife's in the other (see picture above), I did manage alright, but still some stuff happened while I was away.

-As mentioned, Minneapolis endured a massive blizzard upon my returned. However, the Twin Cities experienced a period of wonderful, warm weather prior to my "winter welcome home." In fact, sources have stated that Minneapolis had their first 45+ degree day in Minneapolis since time began. Of course it occurred while I was away and transformed into a snowy disaster by the time I returned.

-My beloved Valparaiso Crusaders marched triumphantly towards the their final Mid-Con tournament cruising over Southeren Utah and UMKC. They beat down the Thunderbirds and Kangaroos by a combined 103-59 in the second half.

-Tim Hardaway hates LSU. God bless Deadspin.com and those classy Kentucky Wildcat fans.

-In real news, the Anna Nicole Smith saga continues. Ok, so that may not be classified as real news. Actually, there wasn't anything new that happened there either. Nevermind.

-American Idol rocks. As mentioned previously, I did have some cable TV access while away and I did see the initial real rounds of the program. I agree with most everything that JR said, but I would like to add his write-up of Sanjaya Malakar ("I wanted to vomit when he sang. I wanted to slit his throat and kill his offspring") that he is a big crying sissy. Shame on the judges for allowing him this far and producers for featuring him at all. A curse on all of you! On the plus side, the show has made up for wronging Chris Daughtry last season. They have guaranteed him a number one hit by making his song, "Home" the "get your ass off the stage, loser" track that will end the program for the rest of the season.

-My absence was described in my closest circle as “Drew is thronging it on a desert island somewhere.” Fairly accurate, actually.

-2/3 of the former tri-blog powerhouse waited until I was out of the country to incorrectly assault the lonewolf that professional basketball is superior to that of collegiate basketball. A dirty sneak attack, but nobly defended Mr. Radcliffe.

-Walgreens stock sits at $45.32 a share. For those novice traders, that's pretty much the exact same thing it was at before I left. For better or for worse, my absence from the company has not crippled it.

-The Office. Ok, so I didn't actually miss it. WICU of Erie, Pennsylvania brought it to me in all its comical glory, but the fact of the matter is that I have not mentioned this show in any of my previous posts. I figured it was time to break the fast and insert an inappropriate reference to it here. But I do look good in a grey Dunder Mifflin baseball cap, don't I? (See picture from previous post).

Things Learned

I have returned from my hiatus, much to everyone's delight. Everyone that is, except my own. While I love all of you, I would rather still be on vacation even if that means no Wolfden V.

My travels took me to paradise, specifically The Cayman Islands. I spent a week there, and I would have spent more if I had the time, money, and means. The place is beautiful and the picture posted in the previous post "Exhausted" was not some random photo grabbed off the Internet. Instead, it was the actual beach where I stayed. I miss it already. Badly. As is, I had to return to Minneapolis, but not without having learned a few tidbits on my journey. Naturally, I am here to share them here with you.

-The Cayman Islands are a British Territory that nobody wanted. Founded in the late 1700s, explorers thought it too small to do much of anything with. Early settlers begged England to give them laws and some sort of authority to prevent the otherwise free-for-all caused by those ornery Jamaicans, feisty non-Disney pirates, and other lost explorers bumping into each other on the tiny island. England ignored them (and probably still does) leading to three somewhat important people writing their own constitution at the recently restored Pedro St. James house. Now, the Pedro St. James home is the only historical anything on the island and is roamed by a tour guide who mumbles and veers off topic. Friendly fella, though.

-Sunsets are stunning. See the photo of Becky and I above. I want to be there again. Now.

-No matter the sample size, the man wearing the speedo is always the hairiest one on the beach. Unfortunately, this proved true on multiple occasions over many days. See, there was something negative about this trip.

-My in-laws love a store called Big Daddy's. Big Daddy's exists to meet all your liquor needs. I love that my in-laws love Big Daddy's. I also enjoying writing Big Daddy's.

-There is a place called Hell, and I'm not speaking biblically. Hell is located on the northern side of Grand Cayman. While its a fairly unimpressive rock formation in the middle of a swamp, the locals have jumped on the opportunity to snag tourist dollars. One gentleman, Ivan, painted his little shop all red and dresses in a cape with devil horns. Really, he does this for a living (Valpo comm degree perhaps?). That and making "hell jokes" which really aren't jokes so much as they are working "hell" into every sentence. A noble man, Ivan.

-Inevitably, Minneapolis International Airport would be under a Severe Winter Storm Warning from Saturday morning until Sunday night making it the second time in my life I have left the United States mainland only to return to a snowy mess. Nothing like a "Winter Welcome Home." I woke up Saturday morning and walked on the beach. By Saturday night, I had to get out of the car to shovel enough snow out of our driveway so Becky could pull into the garage. Stupid, Minnesota.

-Grand Cayman does offer cable television. The city from which it takes it's network feed? Erie, Pennsylvania. That’s right, Erie, Pennsylvania. No joke. "Local" weather forecasts on the nightly news tended to not be relevant to our stay in Grand Cayman, though the city seems very excited about their hockey. Good for them.

-People are wonderfully religious. Ash Wednesday marking the start Lent is a non-Holy Day of Obligation in the Catholic Church. Yet, I have never attended a service where the church was more overflowing than I did this past Wednesday. The fire marshall, if they have those on Grand Cayman, would have been displeased at the people lining every wall, standing two deep in the middle aisle, and spilling out the main door craning to hear the service.

-Tremendous food. I had never had Wahoo, Snapper, Swordfish, or Grouper before, and I’m not sure that I could tell any of them apart even now, but my goodness, they are all delicious.

-There may be nothing more relaxing than a good book, 82 degree weather, a white sand beach, a pina coloda, and an IPod featuring the best of Tantric, Stone Temple Pilots, Our Lady Peace, and Green Day. I did this for days in a row. I realize you hate me, and I’m ok with that cause I would hate you too.

Exhausted

Writing this blog has been brutual, pain staking work. As a result, after approximately 2 weeks of writing, I am taking a hiatus. Your wordy host will return the last week in February with more stories featuring an imbalance of intelligence and sports superstarts saying fun things. Until then, I encourage everyone to use the 90 seconds a day you spend reading this site and do something productive. Perhaps bathe. Just saying.

Also, Happy Birthday to Mr. Radcliffe

While I maintain that Drew Bledsoe's birthday is cause for tremendous celebration, it has also been brought to my attention that 6 (!) years ago almost to the minute this photograph was taken.

Happy Valentine's Day

February 14th means only one thing: this guy's birthday. Happy birthday, fella.

But more than that, today marks my favorite Walgreens holiday in the calendar year: Valentine's Day. I like Valentine's Day because it marks the season in which we receive the least amount of speciality merchandise while selling the greatest percentage of it. Inventory control and organization is a tremendous part of my job so anything the involves receiving less and selling more makes me a happy camper.

I have been known to purchase clearance merchandise from our store just so I don't have to move it around any more. And next year, some school child will enjoy 25 backpacks in some back-to-school drive much the same way two years ago Toys for Tots greatly appreciated the donation of 10 overstuffed bears come Christmas time. While my humanitarian efforts should no doubt be lauded, my desire to remove these items from my store and my stockroom had a significant impact on my decision making, too.

The 14th of February also marks what is in all likelihood (no statistical analysis backing this up) our highest percentage of male shoppers all year. No doubt frantic and irritated at this whole day's disproportionate importance, men love the quick in, quick out escape Walgreens can provide them. They want to buy their card, their box of chocolates, and their paper heart signifying a one dollar donation to the American Heart Association (the latter at my "suggestion") as quickly as possible and without much help or chatter. These people do not mess around with coupons or returns. They, quite frankly, don't want to be there at all and are ecstatic when they won't set foot in another Walgreens for 364 days. While I've come to appreciate the needs of the female demographic to which Walgreens cater, it's nice for one day to truly identify with the clientele.

But most of all, Valentine's Day means I get to wear my horribly gaudy tie on my appropriately colored shirt (see photo above). I purchased the tie on a 75% off clearance my first year at Walgreens and dig it out for every Valentine's Day. Becky recently talked me into wearing it once a year at Christmas, thereby doubling it's usefulness. She thought it looked peppermint-esque, and I agreed to look like a schmuck for one additional day of the year. As I'm home alone and cannot possibly manage the timer on our digital camera, you only get to see the stylish outfit on a hangar and not on yours truly. I assure you, it brings out my eyes.